moving grief

I thought it would feel fresh, new, and exciting but boy was I wrong! What started as an opportunity for change, quickly shifted into a spiral of so many negative thoughts and feelings.

I tried to psych myself out with the thoughts:

“This change will be great for me!”

“I needed this!”

“I’m ready for new EVERYTHING!'“

Thinking this would get me hype enough to take on something so far outside of my comfort zone. But it didn’t. All it did was bring to the surface of how I was not ready nor prepared for something so huge.

Moving is huge to me because I have not lived anywhere else but New York. Bred. Born. Raised. It was all I’ve ever known for the past 30+ years of my young life. *grabs tissue* My family, my friends, my favorite food spots, my low-key spots, my doctors, my favorite shopping malls, my hairstylists, my favorite spas, my memories and milestones… you get the point. My entire life is/was in New York pretty much.

If you know anything about astrology, I am a Taurus stellium with a Capricorn stellium right behind so I’m fixed earth dominant through and through. Which means my home life, comfort, and stability are TOP priority for me. It’s literally what keeps me functioning properly. We (Tauruses) don’t often switch up what we feel is working for us. COMFORT is everything to me, except when I know I need to challenge myself then I will willingly make myself uncomfortable for the goal or growth.

So to uproot myself and my belongings almost 3-4 hours away (by car) to another state was no easy transition. Everything I thought I had on lock started to be tested. My spirituality, my faith, my mental health, my awareness, my confidence, my strength, and my COMFORT. This led to me spending day after day in isolation, not wanting to talk or go out much, and crying myself to sleep some nights. The unfamiliar was scary and rightfully so as I had no real plan for my life once I left (not very Taurus of me). Everything happened so fast. I felt like the rug got pulled from under my feet. My anxiety got worse, I started to slip into a depression, and my thoughts got darker and heavier as each day went by.

And once the home that I spent the last 18-19 years in was officially sold some months after moving… reality hit me. After going back & fourth for months from here to New York, I can’t just go back home now… at least not MY home. My biggest security blanket was gone. I knew it was going to come eventually but nothing could’ve prepared me for that feeling. Please understand, I didn’t have the option of going away to college and having the college dorm experience like most people. Nor did I have the living alone experience due to certain health challenges I’ve had to live with since I was in high school. So, I never really knew what it felt like to live outside of home… permanently.

It’s crazy how quickly you can go to feeling like an outsider when you return home to visit.

During this transition is when I learned you can experience grief outside of a loved one dying. Death is still happening, it’s just the death of my old life. Of course, I struggled with this. It’s uncomfortable, it hurts, it’s confusing, and sometimes crippling. I’m still navigating this grief to this day, but I’ve come to realize that sometimes grief is just one of those “growing pains”. It’s painful to experience, but it’s contributing to me blossoming into the beautiful soul that I am supposed to GROW into.